We were pretty shocked when we found out I was pregnant again. I mean it wasn’t a surprise in the sense that it was unplanned. We knew exactly what we were doing. Logan had just turned one and he was such an amazing kid we thought, “hey, lets do it again.” I was still breastfeeding meaning my cycle was still non-existent/irregular, so we decided to do what we called “whatevering.” Basically our version of saying we wanted to try for another baby without really “trying.” The “whatever happens, happens” method of trying. But I knew we both wanted it to happen more than either of us would let on. It was the same way when we tried with Logan. Almost as if not acknowledging how badly we wanted a baby would make it hurt less if it didn’t happen. When I had Logan my body went through a lot of trauma; hemorrhage, surgery, infection requiring hospitalization and IV antibiotics, the works, so we were both a little concerned that getting pregnant again wouldn’t be a possibility. The only way to know was to try. So here we were, “whatevering,” when I came home from work a few days before Christmas and asked Travis if he would be OK with me taking a pregnancy test. I felt like maybe I was crazy but something was off. I was incredibly moody and getting teary-eyed at cheesy TV shows which was always the first sign. So I took the test and instead of watching and waiting like most people do I left it in the bathroom and went to play with my guys. About 30 minutes later I remembered the test and went to throw it away. As my hand reached out to grab it I suddenly stopped as I noticed there were two lines. Holy shit! Butterflies erupted in my belly. Was this real?! Seriously? We only tried for a month! My last period was on Logan’s birthday in November. It took so much longer with Logan. My mind was racing with thoughts of panic, fear, and overwhelming joy. We were having another baby! I grabbed the test and flipped my phone to video mode as I brought it out to Travis. He stared at it with a confused look on his face. “What does this mean?” He asked. I laughed. What woman in the history of the world has brought her husband a negative test? “Merry Christmas,” I said. Silence. “I’m totally pregnant.” I could see every emotion and thought I had experienced just moments earlier flash across his face. He put his head in his hand and just kept saying, “wow.” We laughed, we hugged, we may have even cried a little, but the joy in the room was palpable. We watched Logan playing and smiled at each other, our hearts full, imagining how awesome it was going to be to watch Logan as an older brother and in that moment we felt so blessed.

Finding out you’re pregnant is weird. Its like this huge exciting news and then you sort of feel this let down as you shrug your shoulders and wait for time to pass until you feel comfortable enough to tell your family and friends. Then you wait again until you finally have a bump to show off, and then again you wait for the baby to start moving inside you. Then you wait until you finally get to meet this little person that you created. Its weird. I felt so much energy and excitement but there was nothing left to do but wait.  But of course we HAD to tell someone! We called my sister who was as shocked and excited as we were. Looking back that might have been the last night of restful sleep I would have in months.

The next day was Christmas Eve and we all had the day off together. We took Logan to play in the snow and test out his brand new sled in the backyard. I was already feeling winded and tired but we all had a blast. That night after we put Logan to bed Travis was making dinner while I cleaned up Logan’s toys. Suddenly I started to feel cramping. It wasn’t terribly painful but it was enough that it got my attention. I immediately told Travis that something wasn’t right. I could just feel it. We sat down to eat dinner and I felt the warm liquid spreading through my pants. I jumped up and went to the bathroom. Travis followed me and there was the blood staring us in the face. Our excitement of the previous night was gone in an instant. I sat there in the bathroom crying while he hugged me, his eyes welling up with tears too. We thought we understood what that bleeding meant and we cried for the loss of the baby we thought we were having. Travis instantly began to worry about my health as well. He was full of questions: What do we need to do? Is this dangerous? Are you going to hemorrhage? All valid concerns and I explained the expected course based on my clinical knowledge as a nurse in an OB/GYN office. Then that was it. I put on a pad and prepared to lose this pregnancy and we went on with our night. I thought about having a drink to numb the pain of my loss but I decided it wasn’t a good idea. We finished our dinner, cleaned up, probably watched movie, and went to bed. I laid awake for a while waiting for more bleeding and to pass the tissue that was supposed to be my baby.

The bleeding never came. Not a drop. I was confused. I had mourned my loss and come to terms with it but the loss never came. I thought maybe my body just wasn’t letting go. Heck, I held on to a huge chunk of placenta after Logan was born and had to have it surgically removed, maybe the same thing was happening. So I continued to wait. Monday morning came and I secretly got a co-worker to draw my blood and run my hormone level. Pregnancy hormones were through the roof! I talked to the ultrasonographer in my office and we secretly devised a plan. We snuck Travis in over the lunch hour and did an ultrasound together. We could see the blood in my uterus and there, right next to it, too small yet to even hear was a fluttering little heart. We sat in silence watching it slowly beating and clutched each others’ hands tightly. There it was. Our baby. It was holding on strong and looked normal and healthy so far. We were really doing this. We were having another baby.

We kept our news a secret for many more weeks. That first ultrasound put me at only about 5 or 6 weeks along and it was still too soon to go shouting from the rooftops. The few people who knew at my office kept quiet and even kept sneaking me in for ultrasounds to make sure there was still a heartbeat and that things looked normal but I couldn’t relax. I had comprehensive genetic testing looking for chromosomal abnormalities and everything came back negative, but still I could not fully relax. I worried about this baby constantly. I had nightmares about it coming out looking like something from a horror film and I started having insomnia. As the weeks went on and every secret ultrasound showed the baby developing normally I began to calm down and try to relax. I kept telling myself this was really happening.

Around 14 weeks I took a trip with Logan to my parents’ house in Minnesota and announced my pregnancy to the family and some friends. My mom of course immediately began making onesies and shirts for Logan announcing his future role as a big brother. I was getting more excited but I still felt weird. I had this nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong. Deep down I felt like it was a bad idea to tell people. I never made a big deal out of being pregnant. Then one day I felt a flutter. At least I think I did. Maybe it was gas, but I started to feel the tiniest of movements more and more frequently and I began to believe in this baby. I looked forward to the big kicks and belly rolls I had experienced with Logan, and I waited for them to start. At the same time I started to feel a lot of fear and anxiety about adding another baby to our family. I worried that Logan would feel neglected. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle two kids. I worried about how I would ever be able to grow my career when I was being held back by my desire to be a mother. I worried so much that the guilt quickly set in. I rarely felt the baby move and I often worried about the realities of two children under the age of two, and suddenly I started feeling like a terrible mother. At one point I was on the verge of tears telling my sister how guilty I felt for not bonding with the baby. She reassured me that the second the baby was born my fears would melt away and, though it seemed impossible at the time, I would love this child as much as I love Logan. And she was right.

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