The first time I felt this baby move was somewhere around 14 weeks. It started with little popping sensations in my belly, or little flutters of something moving. It was hard to tell if it was real though. I was pretty sure I was feeling the baby but it was still so early it was hard to be certain. Sometimes I wondered if I was just wishing so hard for movement that I was imagining it was happening. Then one day in January I was sure. We were headed to a family staycation about an hour away and as I was driving I felt a very distinct thump inside of me. I put my hand on my belly and I could instantly feel my eyes fill with tears and a lump forming in my throat. I definitely felt it, it was definitely real. Shortly after that the “realness” of it all started to really sink in.

We had just arrived at a family arcade type place when a few hours later when I received a text message from one of my providers. We had done an ultrasound a few days prior and she had seen a large placental lake, a common variation in pregnancy and one which usually doesn’t warrant any extra follow-up or monitoring, but because it was me and I don’t have a great track record with placentas, we decided to run it by the Perinatologists when they were in the office that day. The text message was simple, the perinatologist asked if I was on baby Aspirin and advised it wouldn’t hurt to take two a day instead of one. Sounded like good news. But I panicked. I didn’t tell Travis about the lake or the text message and I excused myself to the bathroom while the boys explored the play area. I sat in a stall and I started to panic. Why did he want me to up my Aspirin? Was something wrong? Did he think something was going to go wrong? Are we headed towards another disaster? Why did I think this was a good idea? My thoughts went round and round. I sat on the toilet, head buried in my hands, and tried to muffle my sobs. Things were going so well, our little family was so happy, why did I have to ruin it? This wasn’t how I pictured my pregnancy going, crying in an arcade bathroom trying to remind myself to breathe and stay rational.

I talked to my provider over the phone and she reassured me that there was nothing to be concerned about. I let her believe I was convinced before we hung up and then sat watching Logan playing and having fun. I put on the happiest face I could find and tried my absolute best to stay in the moment with my family. I tried to do that for months and though I did have moments of pure joy, overall I just wasn’t very good at pretending. Instead of sharing my true feelings, they manifested as frustration and anger with a very short fuse. I stayed in that place for weeks trying to hold it together under the pressure of my anxiety, and putting a strain on my relationship with my husband and my son while I continued waiting for it to all go wrong.