Sometime during the day, after Ava died, a purple ribbon was placed on the outside of my door which would serve as a signal to anyone who passed by my room that my baby had died. I had been marked. I think that ribbon scared a lot of people. I think I scared a lot of people.
I knew before Ava was born that I wanted to pump and donate our milk. Logan and I were milk donors and I felt very passionately about wanting to do it again. I felt like I had been given such a blessing in the form of an over-abundant milk supply and I wanted to show my gratitude to the universe by giving something back. It never occurred to me that this blessing would become such a burden.
When I held my still baby in my arms I heard a loud crack as my world shattered, followed by silence. I could not hear or see anything going on around me, it was as if I was trapped inside my head, drowning in my own thoughts for months. When Ava died the world did not stop, people continued to live their lives just as they had the day before, but in my heart time stood still. The world kept…