When I held my still baby in my arms I heard a loud crack as my world shattered, followed by silence. I could not hear or see anything going on around me, it was as if I was trapped inside my head, drowning in my own thoughts for months. When Ava died the world did not stop, people continued to live their lives just as they had the day before, but in my heart time stood still. The world kept…
The first 24 hours after Ava’s death are a random collection of foggy memories for me. Between the lack of sleep from the previous night, the narcotics, the grief, and the loss of blood I was no longer able to process anything that was happening.
I’m about to write my daughter’s entire life story in a single post. It seems too difficult, but writing this is an important part of my acceptance of her death. Until now I have managed to keep her alive through my stories and writing about my pregnancy. Once I finish this part of her story, that’s it. Her life will be over on this blog and the remainder of my posts, the remainder of my life, will be spent in the…
Logan started daycare this week, or school as we’ve been calling it. While he was there I decided to spend a few hours at work on Wednesday and Thursday reacquainting myself with the computer system and all the changes that have occurred since my unexpected departure nearly three months ago. I am not “officially” back for a few more weeks but I have been having so much anxiety about it that I thought it would help me if I eased…
I haven’t posted in almost two weeks but I’ve had this post sitting in my draft bucket for longer than that. I don’t know why I haven’t put it up. I’ve edited it so many times that I’m actually just reading it over and over without making any changes, but still I’m hesitant. I’m not ready to tell the story of my c-section and Ava’s brief life before everyone reading has some understanding of what we were thinking and feeling about…
The first few weeks after Ava died were filled with some of the deepest grief I have ever experienced. When the surgeons reached inside of me and pulled her out it was as if they removed a piece of me as well. I felt like my guts had been ripped out (literally and figuratively). I cannot describe it any better than to say I just felt empty. My heart and my stomach were a bottomless pit of dark, black, nothingness….
When I checked in to the hospital I thought we would be stuck there for weeks, maybe months. The baby had been stable during my monitoring and I was feeling more movement everyday. I was looking forward to having another ultrasound because I was certain it would show marked improvement. I was caught completely off-guard when things deteriorated so quickly.
After finally getting a solid night of sleep I woke up on Sunday morning feeling refreshed and full of hope. We ordered breakfast and I got dressed before my nurse came in to start the day.We hadn’t met before but she was just the kind of nurse I needed. She was smart and experienced but she was also funny and laughed at our dark humor. She updated the whiteboard: 26+3.
I was completely exhausted after our NICU class and it was only noon. We ordered lunch and then waited anxiously for my parents to arrive with Logan. We had spent our first night apart and we missed our little guy. We wanted to see our happy, healthy, perfect son and squeeze him until he begged us to stop. My parents had been texting me updates throughout the morning and it sounded like Logan was having a wonderful time and a good…
I’ve started feeling a lot of anger lately. My therapist told me that anger is a secondary emotion, that it is our response to another underlying feeling, and she’s right. I am heartbroken and I’m tired of crying so instead I’ve started to get more and more angry. I’m angry at the world for making me sad. I’m angry at pregnant people and new mothers and babies that aren’t mine. I just want to scream at the universe for what…