When I woke up in the morning I felt ready to face another day. It was Saturday the 14th. We had made it past Friday the 13th so maybe our luck was changing. Today was the NICU class that was going to prepare us for the long road ahead. I was looking forward to it and feeling like I was actually doing something besides sitting around and worrying.
I want to preface the next posts from 26+2 until 26+4 by saying that they aren’t going to be pretty. Nothing about this blog is pretty but these are particularly difficult days for me to relive and to write about. These days were filled with a lot of emotional ups and downs, and lengthy discussions about our future that I don’t feel I can censor or edit into single posts. There are a lot of feelings I had and still…
It was the evening of 26+1. We had made it through our first full day and things were looking up. We had amazing staff and teams of specialists that had given us more hope and made us feel like we made the right decision coming to the hospital.
I didn’t cry yesterday. For the first time in two months I didn’t cry. I didn’t wake up with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I didn’t go to sleep feeling like I had a gaping hole in my heart. I didn’t choke back tears or even have to turn my face away from someone so they couldn’t see me trying to swallow my grief. Yesterday I got a real glimpse at the person I used…
I didn’t get much sleep the first night in the hospital. I stayed up writing e-mails and texting back and forth with my mom who was en-route to Denver. We called my parents as soon as we found out we were headed to Denver and they immediately jumped in the car and started driving from Minnesota. They left their house before we left ours and drove through the night. This is not unusual behavior for my parents, they are always there when…
My daughter died a little over a month ago and most of the time all I’m thinking about is my body. Yup, I said it and it makes me feel selfish and horrible. I may hear a song on the radio and get weepy-eyed in the middle of the day, or I’ll see a new baby and want to run away and hide, but for the rest of the day I’m thinking about my body. I want it back. I…
The first night in the hospital is somewhat of a blur to me. We arrived around 11 PM after a three hour drive from home. I was tired and scared. Logan was finally asleep so I left him and Travis in the car while I figured out where we needed to go. I had to check in at the Emergency Department because the front doors of the hospital were locked and no one seemed to understand why I was there. I…
My pregnancy with Ava was difficult from the start. Less than 24 hours after we found out I was pregnant I had some bleeding. We were expecting a miscarriage but nothing more happened and I never bled again. I had an ultrasound a few days later and we confirmed there was a single live fetus in my uterus. We were overjoyed but still nervous as there was no explanation for my bleeding. I had more severe nausea and insomnia but…
We were pretty shocked when we found out I was pregnant again. I mean it wasn’t a surprise in the sense that it was unplanned. We knew exactly what we were doing. Logan had just turned one and he was such an amazing kid we thought, “hey, lets do it again.” I was still breastfeeding meaning my cycle was still non-existent/irregular, so we decided to do what we called “whatevering.” Basically our version of saying we wanted to try for…