Thank you to Jennie Buliga for sharing her story. If you would like to submit a piece there’s still time. E-mail: cari@twentysixandfour.com

This was my second pregnancy. I had an almost 3-year-old son at the time. We had decided we wanted another. It took about 11 months of trying but I was finally pregnant. I was so happy! I started spotting but didn’t think too much of it since I had the whole first trimester when I was pregnant with my son. We went for our first appointment and everything seemed fine. I was 6 weeks along and the baby had a strong heartbeat. My OB wanted to see me at 9 weeks to double check due to the spotting. I was sick in the mornings, nauseous, and bloated. I felt pregnant. I had a dream right before my 9 weeks check up that there was no heartbeat. It was terrifying. I woke my Husband John up and had him rub my belly. Time came for our appointment. The doctor had an old ultrasound machine in his office and was having trouble seeing anything. He sent us to the mother-baby floor for a transvaginal ultrasound. They didn’t say anything to me and turned the screen away. I started to panic. We went back to my OB’s office. He came in with the most somber of faces. I knew. He just said “I’m so sorry. There is no heartbeat.” Johns immediate reaction was to swear. I couldn’t mutter anything besides “How do I go on now??” My doctor told us our options. Let my body do it the natural way, have a D&C, or take a pill to speed things up. We left to go home and decide. I didn’t cry until I got in the car. I texted my Mom. I had her tell my family members that knew. I remember feeling so foolish in that moment not waiting until I was out of the first trimester to tell people. We decided a couple of days later that I would take the pill to help me expel everything since my body wasn’t progressing. We sent my son with his Grandparents for the weekend and we both took off work. It was excruciating mentally and physically. I spent two days with strong contractions and heavy bleeding. This was my first time experiencing contractions. I had a C-Section with my son. Finally I passed a huge mass while on the toilet. It made me sick to my stomach to feel it and to just have to flush. I had what was like a light period for almost two weeks. I was at work when I started to contract more. The next day I had the most extreme stomach pain I have ever felt. I took a hot shower and started passing massive clots and bleeding profusely. I remember getting out of the shower and laying on the bathroom floor telling John to call 911. I almost passed out. We went to the hospital. I was bleeding through my pad and my clothes. I was terrified knowing this was not normal. The nurses and doctors were amazing to us. I was very lucky to have had such kind people taking care of me. I remember being so happy to see my brother who rushed to the hospital to see me. He was such a happy, calming force.  They took me for yet another ultrasound and the tech told me this was her first time doing it while someone was miscarrying.  This was the only time during my pregnancy that I was allowed to see the screen. I had a lot of tissue that hadn’t passed and it was causing my uterus to keep contracting. My doctor immediately prepped me for a D&C.  I welcomed the sedation. I remember the meal I had as soon as it was over and calling my parents on Facetime who were living in Colorado at the time. It was the best I had felt in a few weeks thanks to the drugs. I thought going through the actual physical process would be the worst part but it wasn’t. Its the after. Feeling so empty inside. The guilt and anger that maybe I did something to cause it. Feeling like my own body betrayed me.  Feeling so alone. So alone. Having to tell your son that the baby went to heaven. I punished myself for a long time. I pushed my husband away and almost ended our relationship. No one knows how to console you and people are afraid to talk about it. Its not something you get over or move on from. Its learning to live with this new broken part of my soul.