A huge thank you to Amy Lines for her courage to share her story.  

I am continuing to accept any and all submissions for the month of October. E-mail: cari@twentysixandfour.com

 

I’ve never written my story before..

My Name is Amy Lines, I am 32 years old.

March of 2016 I was extremely excited to share with my husband that we were starting our own family. I will never forget the look in his eyes when he opened the gift. I got him a onesie that said daddy’s little monkey and wrapped inside of that onesie was the positive pregnancy test.  We laid in bed that night laughing about the personality our child would have. We planned how we would tell my parents who live in Minnesota and how we would tell his dad in Florida. We shipped a onesie to my best friend back home to bring to my parents so she could facetime us as they opened their gift, my mother cried and was shaking so bad she couldn’t open it, and my father sat there with this biggest grin on his face. Mind you this was their 3^rd grandbaby, but the first from their daughter.  Shanes mom screamed so loud in excitement when she got her onesie that I thought she was going to pass out. Shanes dad came home to visit so we could tell him the news, and for a man that never gets excited he was thrilled to find out he was going to be a grandpa. We had the whole world in our hands, and everyone we knew was so excited for us to start a family.

My pregnancy was great! The usual morning sickness, no high blood pressure, mild swelling in my feet and ankles, but everything was great. June 30^th we went in for an ultrasound and to find the gender of our first child. She was being so stubborn and would not show herself to the tech, so we left the dr apt not knowing if we were having a daughter or a son. I dropped Shane off at his dr appt and then went back to the women’s clinic to see if we cant try one more time to find her gender.  SUCCESS !!!!  the tech put the gender in an envelope and I drove it to a friend so she could fill a box full of balloons for our gender reveal photo shoot. I had this all planned in my head, we were going to get to our spot for photos and the box was going to open and out would come blue balloons (I thought for sure it was a boy).  As we head home from Glenwood Shane and I chatter with excitement to find out the gender of our child, when we pulled into the driveway of the house, Shane yells “SHUT YOUR EYES” and as I look up I notice pink balloons floating around in my garage, (she didn’t get them in the box fast enough). I remember sitting in my car crying I was so excited. At that moment I didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl, I was just so happy that we were starting our family. We did our photo shoot and played surprised as the bright pink balloons filled the air ( did I mention the sunset was the most pink I’ve ever seen ). She was meant to be a girl, our girl.

So now the hard part begins… NAMES!!    We had a list a mile long for first names and middle names.  We settled on the name Hayden Anne.  Hayden is a name that I have always loved, and Anne was the name of Shane’s grandmother who raised him. It was perfect.

We would spend the next few months putting together the perfect room for her, handmade her mobile of white feathers and teal stones to hang over her crib to keep the bad away and to let through the good through. We took time with the dogs to acclimate them to this big change. Letting them spend time in her room and getting use to the scent of her clothes. All was coming along perfect. We were ready to be parents, we where ready to watch our world grow through the eyes of a child.

September 20^th.(32 weeks)  I woke up so exhausted, I called into work that day telling my boss I was too tired to function and just needed a few days of rest , the night of September 21^st I remember laying in bed telling my husband that I felt like something was wrong (this is where I will hate myself forever). He said she is probably tired and worn out just like you have been, I agreed and went to bed. I woke up the next morning September 22^nd got ready for work and left he house. I got to work, made a small cup of coffee and sat at my desk. She was not moving..  I called the clinic and after multiple failed attempts to get through due to phone issues, I finally got a nurse, she told me to go to the Family Center as soon as possible. I told my boss I would be back and in a panic I rushed to the hospital.

The nurse that gathered my and my belonging brought me back to a birthing room and hooked me up to the monitor to check for Hayden’s heartbeat. She gave me some orange juice and told me to relax, as she moved the monitors around we heard a faint heart beat, the relief flooded me. She said she was going to step out of the room and she would be back to check on me in a little bit. Within 10 min I had nurses flooding the room, stripping me , cathing me, and rushing me down to the O.R. I was so panicked, CALL MY HUSBAND!! PLEASE CALL MY HUSBAND, I called my mom as they are rushing me to the OR to tell her that they are rushing me to surgery for and emergency C-sections, and then had them call my mother in law.  I remember laying on the O.R. table trying to take my earings out while nurses are running around like crazy, and I look over my right shoulder and there is a woman behind a window pacing and watching intently. My nurse who happened to be my birthing instructor stood by my side holding my hand. I was shaking uncontrollably. I didn’t know what was going, all I know is that they where going to get my daughter out as soon as possible, nothing more was said. As the dr waited for the anesthesiologist they rolled in one ultrasound machine and didn’t find a heart beat, so they rolled in another ultra sound machine.. still no heart beat. The dr then screamed out loud to all the people running around “EVERYONE BE QUIET”. I tried to lay there as still as I could but I was uncontrollably shaking so hard. At that instant I knew something was wrong.  The dr slowly walked up to me and put her hand on her chest and the worst words poured out of her mouth “I’m sorry, but your daughter is gone”. I cried and I screamed for them to cut me open and to save her.  This wasn’t happeneing. Not to me, not to my husband. Not us. This kind of thing wasn’t supposed to happen, not to us. This was the beginning of our perfect family

As I laid on the hospital bed they cleaned my stomach up from the iodine (they were about to cut me open without the anesthesiologist) and removed the cath and they wheeled me back to this empty room. I sat there in shock, in disbelief. I felt like I just died, and I was watching myself. In 7 minutes my whole life was changed forever.  I sat on the bed and stared at the ground , I heard my mother in law crying down the hall way as she was being escorted in by my a nurse. We held each other and we cried, no words, no movement, just silence and hell.  As we hold each other so tight, my husband walks in the door. He is clueless. He was expecting to walk in to his wife laying in bed holding his daughter. Instead I was crying , in a hospital gown with empty arms.  Anger blasted through him so fast, I thought he was going to punch a hole through the wall.  His mother tried to console him and he pushed  her away. He threw his body into a chair and just sat there so quiet with tears running down his face just staring at the wall. My nurse comes back in and Shane asks how this all happened, what happened, he begged for her to tell him something. She offered to bring the ultra sound machine back in and check again for a heart beat for him but I couldn’t stand to sit there and not hear her heartbeat , I told her no. I can’t handle that silence again. I got up, I got dressed, I called my boss and told her I was starting my leave a little earlier than planned.  I went out side and called my mother, ive never had to tell my mother something so horrible in my life. I remember sitting under a tree out by the parking lot crying and people where walking by just staring at me. So much of me just wanted to scream at them “ WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT ?”  but I didn’t.  I gathered myself, got in my car and met my husband at his work shop so he could drop of his work truck and drive me home. 36 miles was just to far for me to go. The car ride was so silent and long. We arrived home to a amazon box on the front porch, Shane had ordered Hayden some hats to keep her warm in the winter, what a perfect day for those to be delivered. I don’t even remember walking into my house or brining my purse or work bag in to the house, I just appeared in Hayden’s room, in her rocking chair , crying.

Shane’s best friend Nick showed up immediately after Shane called to tell him the news. He sat in the kitchen with Shane, while Shane’s whole world shattered and he just held those little hats he had ordered her and cried.  I don’t remember walking around my house at all, I felt as if I was dead and I was just floating watching all the emotions happening in the house. Nick came to me in Hayden’s room and we prayed and at this point I had no faith left to pray. But I prayed as my body shook uncontrollably and tears rolled down my face.   Please tell me this is a dream, please tell me I will wake up soon, or please just tell me im dead.

September 23^rd I was admitted to the birthing  center at 3:00pm. I had just got off the phone with my mom and her and my dad where on the road heading to Colorado to be with us. Shanes mom was with us taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of, at this point you can’t mentally function. You’re tired, you’re DONE.  A few failure faces (nurses) walked into the room to share their condolences. These women are angels in scrubs, I adore them all. Next the DR comes in to tell me of the different ways to induce labor (none of them fascinated me by all means) but we had no choice. So we started with the “tbag”. As the night fell on us  I was tired but so tired that I couldn’t sleep. Shane and I went for about 100 walks that night, either I was cramping and needed to move , or another mother was down the hall in labor and I could not handle the sounds coming from their rooms.   As the night went on, the contractions started coming , and as the sun started to rise I laid in my hospital bed crying and praying this would be over soon.  For some reason I thought I had been through enough pain that natural birth would be fine, I was wrong. At about 10 am I finally agreed to an epidural. Finally some comfort , the nurses and doctors kept telling me to get some sleep. There is no sleep when you are in a shattered world. Its just flash backs , and what ifs, and how comes. There is no sleep. My mom and dad walked into the room at 1:15 that afternoon, at that moment my midwife told me I was crowning and ready to deliver our daughter. My dad left the room while my mom, my mother in law, and my husband stood up by the head of the bed, holding my hands and looking down at the floor. I knew my daughter was dead, it was no surprise to me when the room was so quiet and still when I delivered her, but there was this anticipation inside me, I was just waiting for that first cry. There was nothing, just the sounds of people sobbing around me. I laid there and stared at my mother as she stood to the left of me rubbing my head. All I could think was I did this, im making her cry, it was my fault Hayden died, surely I did something wrong that made this happen, and now look, your mother is standing next to her daughter watching her deliver her dead grandchild.  But through all of the tears and darkness she just smiled at me and told me how much she loved me.

Hayden Anne Lines was delivered at 1:45 on September 24^th 2016, 2 lbs 8oz, and 21 inches long.  She had dark hair just like her daddy, and the longest fingers and feet. She was perfect. She was our daughter. The nurses took her to another room to clean her up and wrap her in a blanket. My midwife came to inform me that she had passed away due to the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck. How didn’t I know? What did I do that made this happen? HOW ???   As I laid in my bed with numb legs I watched everyone hold each other and cry and again I felt as if I was dead watching everyone around me.   My husband wanted to go home and shower and get a few things so he left. I sat in the room with my mom and my dad in pure silence . Nothing was able to be said, no one had words for what just happened.

My brother and his wife showed up from MN to be there with me too, I was so excited to see them but I was unable to express that. Everything around me was black, I couldn’t concentrate on a single thing anyone said. I just played this nightmare over in my head. The umbilical cord? How? Why?

That night as my family left to their hotel rooms Shane and I sat in the room with Hayden just staring at every little perfect detail of her. We called the funeral home and made the arrangements for her to be picked up and cremated. Watching them walk out of that room with my daughter was so hard. I wanted to keep her next to me forever. I wanted to just be able to look at her long fingers and long feet and to touch her skins when ever I wanted but we knew it was time. I crawled into bed, and shane tried to get as comfortable as he could in one of those plastic like hospital chairs. I laid in bed and sobbed, and thought about what it would have been like to hear her cry when I delivered her. What it would be like to bring her home in a car seat, and not in a urn.

She was my whole world and  I knew this the day I found out I was pregnant . The day I found out I was having a girl I realized why my mom and I had matching outfits, that little girl is going to be your mini me, the coolest person to hang out with, the little girl that is going to make your husbands heart melt. She is going to rule the world.

After a year of medical challenges and concerns of having baby number two. I have realized one thing. Shes not dead to me. She is the push that I have always needed in my life, she is the reason why I have slowed down, loved harder, and became kinder. She had made me a stronger person today. She is my Hero.