Last week we decided to move. We weren’t really actively looking for a house or considering a move anytime soon, but I stumbled on a listing for a house and five days later we found ourselves under contract. It wasn’t totally surprising to me. We’ve always known that our current home is not where we want to be forever, and well, the timing just seems right. We debated the purchase for a few days until Travis ultimately reminded me that…
I’ve had a great deal of stress over the last few weeks, and with each passing day I feel my anxiety bubbling closer to the surface as we quickly approach what would have been Ava’s first birthday. I was keeping it pretty well hidden until last week when I sat in my boss’s office unable to hold myself together any longer, defeated and crying with my head in my lap. I wrote this a few months ago and never posted…
Two weeks and three days after Ava died we were on an airplane to Minnesota where we had both grown up. One of Travis’ best friends from childhood was getting married and we had been planning this trip for months. We were going to see our families, Logan would get to play with his cousins and we were even going to have our first overnight out while Logan stayed with my parents. We decided it would be nice to be…
So what happened? I’m sure it’s the question on everyone’s minds. I know it’s all I’ve been able to think about for the last eight months. What the hell happened? I feel like its the first thing people are thinking when they see me but no one has the courage to ask. I’ve thought about writing this post over a hundred times but I’ve held off in hopes that I will have more information to share with you. I’ve spent…
I haven’t written in quite some time. Well, actually, just a few weeks but when riding an emotional roller coaster a few weeks feels like an eternity. I’m not really sure why I’ve been absent. It isn’t due to a lack of things to write about, anyone who knows me will tell you I rarely fall short when it comes to words, but it almost seems to be the exact opposite. I think I have too much to say. Lately,…
December 23, 2015, I came home from work to see Logan and Travis playing in our living room. I greeted my boys with hugs and kisses and played for a few minutes before telling Travis I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I went to the bathroom and left the test sitting on the counter then went back to playing with the guys while I waited for the results. Logan was so close to walking and we laughed and cheered…
Everyone keeps telling me that the only remedy for my grief is time. Time for me to heal, time for me to grow, time for me to get used to the fact that all of this is real. Time. It is one of the stranger things people say to comfort me when I really think about it, because as true as it is, what am I supposed to do with that? Time is just another reminder of one more thing…
I wrote this post a few nights ago and I debated sharing it. Not because it is overly personal but because it is honest and it acknowledges the pain I’m pretending not to feel. I pretend not only for myself but for others. I don’t want everyone to worry about me. Or to think I am a constantly quivering pile of mush that cannot go on with life. I am alive. I am living. But I also need to be…
Last week was Thanksgiving, and surprisingly, this year I felt more gratitude than I ever have before. My first instinct is to say that I’m grateful despite everything that has happened to me this year, but truthfully, I think I’m more grateful because of what happened. Ava’s death gave me the opportunity to see firsthand what I already knew in my heart; I am incredibly blessed. Today I would like to really look outside of my grief for a moment…
This is an essay I recently submitted to a Jewish website about my difficulty in finding meaning in the Jewish High Holidays after the death of my daughter. Unfortunately, it was not accepted because the holidays have already passed and it was “too late to run.” So I share it with you here…