When people learn about Ava it only takes a few minutes before they ask me if I think we’ll every try again. I never knew what to say to that. When I was in the hospital and still pregnant I announced with absolute certainty that there was no way I was ever going to do this again. It was hell. I couldn’t imagine ever willingly putting myself in that position for a second time. Travis agreed. The day after Ava…
I got pretty behind on posting so playing some major catch up on the blog as the story has continued and I’ve still got a lot to say…. Right after Ava died the doctors at the hospital offered me anti-depressants. I immediately refused. There is no doubt I was absolutely and crushingly depressed, but I didn’t think medication was going to be the answer. I didn’t have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I didn’t have an illness that…
I have been trying to write this story and this post for about 14 months. Every time I sit down to do it I just can’t seem to find the right words and my opinion of God continues to change daily, but if I edit it anymore it will never be posted. Still not sure I’ve gotten it quite right yet, but it’s such an important piece of our story that needs to be shared that ready or not, here…
I’ve been quiet for the last month. Well, at least on the blog front. Life has been moving at an incredibly fast past and it’s been hard for me to keep up. I haven’t made time for writing and to be honest, I haven’t really been sure what to say. The month of guest posts was incredible. I have been humbled by the strength and grace shown by those who wrote submissions. I am honored to know such incredible people…
Thank you to Krista Cox for submitting such a beautiful piece. This is the first guest post in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am still welcoming any and all types of submissions for the month of October if you would like to make a guest post. E-mail: cari@twentysixandfour.com
Some days I struggle. Most days I can put Ava into a safe place in my heart and hold her there while I continue living a life with purpose and full of happiness, but some days I can’t. Some days I just hurt too much to come out of the shadows, and when I wake up in the morning I wish I could go back to sleep until the pain was over. Some days I just really struggle. And though those…
It’s been over a year and I still don’t go more than a few hours without thinking about Ava. Some days I feel OK, “normal,” like myself again. Then there’s days that I still feel like I can’t function. Like the other day at work. I completely lost it. I got triggered by a patient and I couldn’t recover. As soon as I would feel like I was close to being able to get through the day a different patient…
365 days after Ava died I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling in the wind. The sun was barely starting to rise and everyone else, Travis, Logan, and my dad, were all still asleep. I burrowed deep into my sleeping bag letting the relief wash over me. I had made it. I had survived the worst year of my life, the first year after my baby died. I closed my eyes and drifted off to…
We left the hospital on Thursday and buried our daughter that following Sunday. The days in between are somewhat of a mystery in my memory, but there are a few events I’m certain of. The first was the preparation for Ava’s funeral.
When I first arrived at the hospital I was terrified of the uncertain future we faced. I had no idea how long we would be staying and I was preparing to be trapped there for months if it meant saving our baby. I remember spending the drive to Denver brainstorming up ways I could keep my job by working remotely from a hospital bed, and trying to come up with childcare plans for Logan. At some point in our drive,…