Last week was Thanksgiving, and surprisingly, this year I felt more gratitude than I ever have before. My first instinct is to say that I’m grateful despite everything that has happened to me this year, but truthfully, I think I’m more grateful because of what happened. Ava’s death gave me the opportunity to see firsthand what I already knew in my heart; I am incredibly blessed. Today I would like to really look outside of my grief for a moment…
When I was rolled out of the operating room Ava was resting on my chest, and the first thing I did was look at her ears. When a baby is developing in utero the kidneys and ears develop at the same time so often times a congenital disorder with one can be seen in the other. Ava had no amniotic fluid left when she was born which suggested a problem with her kidneys. I traced my fingers over her tiny…
Have you ever had a really good cry? You know, the one where you just let go and sob and your stomach heaves and your shoulders crumble and sometimes you even lose your balance and have to sit down. The one where the sadness is purged from your body one teardrop at a time until you run dry, and when you’re done you take a deep cleansing breath and suddenly the world feels right again. That cry that is so…
Sometime during the day, after Ava died, a purple ribbon was placed on the outside of my door which would serve as a signal to anyone who passed by my room that my baby had died. I had been marked. I think that ribbon scared a lot of people. I think I scared a lot of people.